Today is 03rd May 2007.
13 days till my 20th Birthday.
Usually my birthday never fails to excite me. Not surprisingly, it is one of the few days in a year to which do I feel such happiness for. But this year, I just feel so unenthusiastic over it.
Why?
For one I’m having a “Series of Unfortuante Bad Luck” this year. Extreme bad luck. You could say its possibly one of my worst years ever.
Some of the bad luck includes:
1. Leaving the place of work which I have respectfully held for 3 long years. Why? Just because a number of other high profile collegues didn’t exactly liked JH. Just because he’s my “Xiaodi” meant that I’m implicated over a series of stupid complicated power struggle.
2. I have never been broke in my entire life before thanks to people not paying back the cash they owed me.
3. Bill payment problems
4. School problems
5. Social problems (Never had I experienced so many difficult situations in my life)
6. Most importantly, Jen problems.
Now to some of you these may seem trivial but let me express that these are just 10% of my difficulties. And the extent of these problems mentioned are extremely severe to which I think it’s best not discuss at this point.
Honestly, I don’t wish for much for my birthday this year. All I really wish for are:
1. Chill with my closests friends.
2. A short vacation away from Singapore. Away from all my problems.
Hell I’m not even sure if these wishes can even be fulfilled.
Robert Half says, “Planning for happiness is rarely sucessful. Happiness just happens.”
So where in the world is my happiness? How long more must I endure the pain and distress that I’m struggling from?
I have experienced many multitutes of heartaches before. Even before Jen. But how do you manage the ultimate heartaches of all heartaches?
No one seems to have an answer for that I guess.
Honestly, if you went through what I went through (By now many of you should have a rough idea), how do you recover?
Many people have raised the question to me… Do I hate her?
My answer. Yes I definetly most do.
But I don’t hate her just due to all the shit she has put me through. More importantly (Good or bad I have no idea…), I hate her because I love(d) her. I love(d) her so damn much that as you can see I’m still unsure if my love for her should be past tensed.
I’m so confused that it is affecting my everyday life. Not one moment goes by do I think of all the fucked up things she has done to me.
HOWEVER.
Not a moment goes by do I also think of all the things we have sacrificed for one another.
And this is killing me inside.
I’m not quite sure if many of you out there really get what all the confusion is really about. And I don’t blame you. Because this doesn’t happen to everybody. So it’s very easy to judge this situtation. But unless a person really has been through this, then do they really understand.
For those who really cared and those who have tried helping me through this. Thanks. I really do appreiciate it very much.
However, I would also like to say that it is very easy to say, “Oh just forget her. She’s a slut. You deserve someone better…”, or “Just don’t think about her…”, etc. And it’s true. I’m not saying these are wrong. In fact I’ve told myself that as well. But it seriously is not as easy to really do it. Especially if you are the person directly involved in this.
I can’t just instantly make my brain forget all the unhappiness. And even if I do, this mean I have to forget the happiness part of it as well. And some memories in life just can’t be erased or forgotten with just a click of a button.
And this is also in turn making it very difficult for me to move on.
Sometimes even if there seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel. Things seem to be slightly turning for the better. The past seems to always catch up with me. And it’s as if I haven’t progressed anywhere. The only thing that progressed is the battle from within me.
It is like an endless battle. When will it ever stop? More importantly. When will the pain ever stop.
What is a guy to do?
